Haha I think some of you guys may be getting, your hopes up, but this is by Onion News Network, which makes fake but hilarious news reports. Here goes:
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
Traffic in India
I was saving this for something special, but here goes:
There are many things that India has to be proud of, such as our heritage, culture, and cuisine. But, I can guarantee you that the state of our traffic is not on the list. While driving, the only thought Indians have on their mind is to go from Point A to Point B and back in the quickest time possible. The safety of others is not important to them. Talking on the phone while driving and blowing the horn to break up traffic jams (sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?) are just some items on the list of characteristics of Indian driving.
If you go to other countries such as the USA, UK, and Australia, people obey the traffic rules, which in turn results in minimal traffic jams. In India, obeying the traffic rules is dangerous! Drivers drive wherever they want, left or right, it doesn’t matter.
Another thing on Indian roads is the corruption. “Corruption?” you may ask. Yes, corruption. The traffic police will stop anyone for anything, just to make some extra money. They will ‘fine’ you for speeding, and then pocket the money for themselves. In other words, the drivers bribe the police not to book them.
When an ambulance is seen making a turn, a vehicle will definitely go on the other side of the ambulance because in that way, that vehicle can reach its destination much faster. Next is the condition of the roads. Indian roads are FULL of potholes, ranging from the size of a tyre to about 3 feet wide. The roads, apparently, are not only for vehicles, but for animals such as goats and cows as well. While driving on village roads, you may see a huge flock of goats moving at a speed of half a kilometre an hour, with a small boy carrying a stick behind them. Blow your horn once, and the boy will turn around, see you, then raise his stick and wave it in the direction of the goats. Like a magic wand, the goats miraculously move away from the road. Even on the city roads, you may see a cow taking an afternoon nap in the middle of the road, which is, many times, one of the causes for traffic jams.
Now, let us take a break from finding fault with the drivers and see how we can improve Indian traffic.
1. Why are Indian drivers in such a hurry all the time? They leave home late, and so they have to get there in the shortest time possible.
Solution: Leave home well in advance.
2. Why do Indian traffic police accept bribes? So that they can make money for themselves.
Solution: When you are caught for something, pay the fine and ask for a receipt.
3. Why are Indian roads full of potholes? Because of the poor quality of the materials used to make the roads.
Solution: The government should take more care while giving tenders.
4. Why are cows seen in the middle of the road? Because of their owners leaving them there.
Solution: A fine for the owners of the animals. They should leave the animals to graze in considerably safer areas, far, far away from the roads.
My mum told me not to post this till I had submitted it for the school mag, but seeing as I have done so...
P.S. Being in India, I wrote this in the point of view of an Indian.
-
Another attack...
According to reliable sources (Arunima), the Security Guard has struck again. At a recent Skatezone party at Varsity Park (without me), it was decided that a game of DC (Double - Crossing) would be played (without me). So while they were playing (without me), they were making quite a helluva racket (without me). And then they saw him (without me (phew)). The Security Guard. Whatever happened next... is a blur.
Witnesses are requested to give a first-hand account of the incident.
Poo Man Escapes
This took place in 2006, but I just saw it. Hilarious. According to crime reporter Leon Watson,
A homeless man facing jail for causing more than 20 000 GBP damage by defecating on trains has ‘done a runner’.
Mr Bonney Eberendu, 36, was awaiting sentence when he escaped from a London hospital on Tuesday.
He had earlier admitted charges of causing criminal damage across South London’s railway network.
Mr. Eberendu was arrested by police in October after he was spotted at Camberwell Green bus garage.
It followed 22 incidents on trains bound for London Bridge and Waterloo, on which human excrement was found smeared over the seats and tables.
Mr. Eberendu’s three-month campaign of smearing human excrement inside the carriages posed a serious risk to public health and cost more than 20 000 GBP to clean up.
He had also been charged with possessing an offensive weapon — a knife.
At the time he absconded, Eberendu was undergoing a mental health assessment before his sentencing hearing, which is expected to take place later this month.
Anyone who has spotted him should call British Transport Police on 080 040 5040.
Here's a pic of the newspaper article: 
Wheeeeeeeeet!
You see them everywhere. Malls. Apartments. Libraries. Shops. Who are they? Yes, you may have guessed. They are: SECURITY GUARDS! (dah-dah-dahhh!) Who, or what, are these creatures? Some say they are near human, but I doubt it. Having had some personal experience with them (does the term 'Ridgewood' ring a bell?), I think I would be able able to give a first-hand account about them, even though there is a chance that this would be my last post if the King of the Security Guards found out.
The Security Guards' sole purpose is to guard places from thieves and such. So, they do have their advantages. But, they have a Dark Side as well. It all started one day, I don't really remember when, but it must have been somewhere in 2005, when Skatezone was a newly-formed group. We were at one of our first few parties, and having quite a helluva time, and making quite a bit of noise, when we saw it. It was him. The Security Guard.
In India, the security guards are exceptionally funny (not to mention that they might have a screw or two loose in the head). They will blow their whistle for practically everything. And now we shall have a special show by the TBC (Tharun Broadcasting Company): Inside the Mind of a Security Guard.
Brain to lungs: Eyes report that they see a car about to enter the apartment. Blow.
"Wheeeeeeet!"
Brain to lungs: Eyes report that they see car having gone over a hump. Blow.
"Wheeeeeeet!"
Brain to lungs: Eyes report that they see car having entered the basement. Blow.
"Wheeeeeeet!"
Brain to lungs: Eyes report that they see a car parking. Blow.
"Wheeeeeeet!"
Brain to rest of body: Eyes report that they see kids having fun. Interrupt them in any way possible.
"Wheeeeeeet!"
Brain to rest of body: Eyes report that they see 30-year-olds climbing a flagpole. Don't do anything. I repeat: DO NOT DO ANYTHING.
And that brings us to an end of our special programme from TBC. Thank you very much and good night.
Tanya's Mis-singing
Today, Tanya sang Abba's Mamma Mia (There's a fire within my soul) as: There's a fire within my school!
Indian Ads...
'Center Fresh'
Dialogue:
Boy: Daddy! For you.
(Dad takes and eats)
Boy: Daddy, my report card. I failed again.
(Then the dad, smiles, slaps, etc)
'Center Fruit'
'Center Fresh' (2)